boon-dog-gle: (noun) work of little or no value done merely to keep or look busy.
free: (adjective) provided without, or not subject to, a charge or payment.


According to the prophet Chris Farley...

Ted: "But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?"

Tommy: "Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of @&%#. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time."

This preceding exchange is, of course, from the classic movie "Tommy Boy". Tommy is trying to sell his company's well-made (but not "guaranteed") brake pads to an incredulous garage manager who prefers to use the ones from the other company (which does offer a "guarantee").

This conversation was playing in my mind this morning as I was trying to buy tires at Sam's Club. They offer the "59 minute" guarantee. That is, if they don't get you your car back within 59 minutes from the time they take your keys, you get a refund for their installation and service package ($9 per tire). My question is: why do they have such a guarantee? Today was the second set of tires in a row that I've purchased at Sam's and received my money back. They don't even try! I looked in one time and even though they had my car up on the lift, all three mechanics were standing around drinking a pop. And this was about 5 minutes before my 59 minutes were up! What's the point?!

At least it wasn't as bad as last time. When I asked for my refund, the guy tried to make me feel guilty by saying they were really busy. Then, he made a very thinly veiled accusation that I was greedy. Excuse me, but I think $36 means more to me (groceries for a few days) than to the multi-billion dollar international empire of Sam Walton!

Here is my friendly suggestion for Sam's Club: get rid of the guarantee! If they hadn't mentioned it first in all the signs they have posted in their tire center, I wouldn't have thought twice if they had taken 2, 3, 4 hours, or whatever, to finish. How do I know how long it takes to change tires? But, I suppose I ought to just shut up and accept my money back.

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G.K. Chesterton...

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."